I saw Jake today. Tonight. As I left work and walked to the train station. He didn't say a word to me and I didn't say a word to him. He passed me like he didn't know me, like just over 30 days ago I didn't tell him that I was carrying his baby. Isn't life pathetic this way? That a man and woman who barely knew each other could have unprotected sex and the woman gets pregnant and before you know it they won't even speak to each other when they pass on the street. That is some fucked up shit. That is how diseases get spread, because people just sex carelessly then won't even speak while passing on the road. I loved Jake, I don't care what anyone may say. He was one of the nicest men I'd met in a while and he bought me serious sexual pleasure. I wanted to be with him. The passion I felt for him I hadn't felt for anyone in a little bit of time. But then his girl called me and ruined everything. Or did I by not giving her the tone and instead holding a convo with her like she was my girl and we found out we were seeing the same dude. Bitch. Or is she? Did she save me from being in love with someone who was going to cause me great heartache, stagnate my growth?
Tonight as I sat down quietly and thought about the new guy I met, let's call him Dred--I cried because Jake passed me on the street. I cried because I could not believe that again, I slept with a man who got me pregnant and then wouldn't talk to me later. I thought about how I've known Dred for several months and never even thought about having sex with him then the other night on a whim I did. And he saw me 3 days later which astounding in my world. Usually I have to wait at least a month. I thought that maybe I shouldn't have had sex with Dred, though he seems to like me. I thought about how sex has ruined so many of my relationships with men. I thought, what if Dred had a change of heart and...I don't want to put Dred in this blog, he deserves his own. He is...so far...a beautiful unbelievable person and nothing like Jake.
Jake. I have nothing else to say I have so much catching up to do.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
2 & 1/2 months ago i had no place to live...
Now I have 2 leases in my bag and can't choose. What a dilemma. One apt is small & cute, not much room but cheap in price. 6 blks from the train but right around the corner from the bus. Laundromat is around the corner and so are corner stores. I know the area pretty well. I grew up in it and that's NOT a plus. The other, $252 extra a month. Lots of closet space, more bedroom space, one block from train. Not the greatest neighborhood either. But I'm still not sure. I mean I wouldn't be able to stay at the smaller one for more than 3yrs and who wants to move again? Looking for a new home, which is a job within itself and then having to move all my crap in it. Least with this small one it presents the challenge of not consuming so much.
The other I'm likely to stay more longer because of the room and so as long as the area isn't worse than what I've seen. My gut does however, tell me to choose the smaller one. That extra $252 a month might come in handy.
But something has got to give cause I've got to get out of where i am now. I left my g/f apt in Bk on Wednesday to come to rent out the living room of a guy I know, whom I met on the set of a movie last year. He has 2 other roommates. A $60 cab ride later I'm living with a guy who works for Verizon and a girl who hasn't paid rent in a month and who does drugs in his apt and he wants her out. He has 2 birds who like to make noises when the sun is up and when its down. They are usually quiet but on a day like this when I've been up for hours and trying to nap before I step out and the building across the street is doing construction and I want to rest, I am getting pissed.
The female who stays here has a boyfriend who is here day and night with her. Cozied up in that room for the past 2 wks. A black guy, she is a white French girl. Who I understand is also now an escort. I just told my new roommate that since he already can't get the girl out of his $2400/a month apartment and her b/f has been laying up in here for 2 wks he's not going to be able to get him out if he is in here for 30 days as if he lives here. This dude is hard headed. About a month ago he called me asking me for advice in getting his drug addicted roommate out of the apartment. And I told him, pack her shit, put it in storage and change the locks on the door. If she calls the cops you can easily tell them that she told you she was moving out and you don't know where her shit is as well you can say she's been gone a week.
Instead he called the cops on her who in turn told him he can't kick her out, unless of course he tries to take her to court. Which he has yet to do cause it's going to cost him money and take too much time. Did I add that he is not making any other efforts to get her out? According to him when I reiterated my advice about getting her out, he cannot lie to the cops cause he can go to jail. He's never been in jail and doesn't want to be. He stated in a convo earlier this week that she told the cops that she will pay the rent she owes end of the month and if she doesn't he is going to the cops to tell them how she lied to him because "you know lying to the police is not good."
Back to the black guy. I told my friendly associate that if he continues to let that man stay here he is going to have problems because now he will have 2 drug addicted bums on his hands. His response as he walked away, "trust me I already have problems." Hey I wash my hands. He insists he is going to call the cops again and I ask him not to do it while the kids and I, or especially the kids alone, are here. Do it when I'm we're not. Or warn me so we won't be there. I warned him calling the cops again can cause problems for more than just her. It can cause issues for him as well as the others that live there. I mean even if he called narcotics, as he stated he would, and they came over here and arrested here, what does that do? She may be in jail for a few nights, maybe depending on her record and then she will come right back to the door cause he won't change the locks or throw out her shit.
Poor Eddie, nice guy but what an IDIOT.
And to make matters worse on me I have gigs coming up the next week. And my kids have to be here, my gigs are during the week and just yesterday around 6am Ms. Thing came in the apartment with her man and 2 of his friends. One who decided to approach me as I slept on the sofa and tap me on my ass to ask me some absurd question which I can't recall and walk on the blanket that my son was sleeping on on the floor. I had to shout him out. "what the fuck you don't see someone sleeping there?" his drunk ass apologized. When they all came out the room a few hours later I made it known to him that if he ever touched me again I was going to punch him in his fuckin face. He caught me when I was sleeping. Had I been awake something hot would have been in his face.
Him and his coked up friend turned out to be alright as I spoke to them later round 9am as they drank beer. They both tried to get my number. His fast talking friend, clearly high off coke wanted to take me out to dinner, when I refused he said, "lunch? Brunch? Coffee? A sandwich? Bag of chips? Slice of cake? Gum?" He was sorta charming and since he did drugs I thought sex with him is probably dynamite. But I had to decline. He spoke as if he were one of those "knowledge kickin brothas." Everything was "peace. And excuse me ma'am." Quick witted responses always at a fast pace with clever dialogue. He was hilarious. But not so much for me to pass along his digits. And yea he was a bonafide coke head. He and his friend admitted he was.
And so is the roommate, Juliet and her man. I can just look at them and tell. I left roach infestation and flies and mice. To come to less roach infestation, higher mice population and flies, loud birds and coke heads. Least the neighborhood is better.
Edit: I started this post on Thursday, it's now Saturday morning that I added all these details.
The other I'm likely to stay more longer because of the room and so as long as the area isn't worse than what I've seen. My gut does however, tell me to choose the smaller one. That extra $252 a month might come in handy.
But something has got to give cause I've got to get out of where i am now. I left my g/f apt in Bk on Wednesday to come to rent out the living room of a guy I know, whom I met on the set of a movie last year. He has 2 other roommates. A $60 cab ride later I'm living with a guy who works for Verizon and a girl who hasn't paid rent in a month and who does drugs in his apt and he wants her out. He has 2 birds who like to make noises when the sun is up and when its down. They are usually quiet but on a day like this when I've been up for hours and trying to nap before I step out and the building across the street is doing construction and I want to rest, I am getting pissed.
The female who stays here has a boyfriend who is here day and night with her. Cozied up in that room for the past 2 wks. A black guy, she is a white French girl. Who I understand is also now an escort. I just told my new roommate that since he already can't get the girl out of his $2400/a month apartment and her b/f has been laying up in here for 2 wks he's not going to be able to get him out if he is in here for 30 days as if he lives here. This dude is hard headed. About a month ago he called me asking me for advice in getting his drug addicted roommate out of the apartment. And I told him, pack her shit, put it in storage and change the locks on the door. If she calls the cops you can easily tell them that she told you she was moving out and you don't know where her shit is as well you can say she's been gone a week.
Instead he called the cops on her who in turn told him he can't kick her out, unless of course he tries to take her to court. Which he has yet to do cause it's going to cost him money and take too much time. Did I add that he is not making any other efforts to get her out? According to him when I reiterated my advice about getting her out, he cannot lie to the cops cause he can go to jail. He's never been in jail and doesn't want to be. He stated in a convo earlier this week that she told the cops that she will pay the rent she owes end of the month and if she doesn't he is going to the cops to tell them how she lied to him because "you know lying to the police is not good."
Back to the black guy. I told my friendly associate that if he continues to let that man stay here he is going to have problems because now he will have 2 drug addicted bums on his hands. His response as he walked away, "trust me I already have problems." Hey I wash my hands. He insists he is going to call the cops again and I ask him not to do it while the kids and I, or especially the kids alone, are here. Do it when I'm we're not. Or warn me so we won't be there. I warned him calling the cops again can cause problems for more than just her. It can cause issues for him as well as the others that live there. I mean even if he called narcotics, as he stated he would, and they came over here and arrested here, what does that do? She may be in jail for a few nights, maybe depending on her record and then she will come right back to the door cause he won't change the locks or throw out her shit.
Poor Eddie, nice guy but what an IDIOT.
And to make matters worse on me I have gigs coming up the next week. And my kids have to be here, my gigs are during the week and just yesterday around 6am Ms. Thing came in the apartment with her man and 2 of his friends. One who decided to approach me as I slept on the sofa and tap me on my ass to ask me some absurd question which I can't recall and walk on the blanket that my son was sleeping on on the floor. I had to shout him out. "what the fuck you don't see someone sleeping there?" his drunk ass apologized. When they all came out the room a few hours later I made it known to him that if he ever touched me again I was going to punch him in his fuckin face. He caught me when I was sleeping. Had I been awake something hot would have been in his face.
Him and his coked up friend turned out to be alright as I spoke to them later round 9am as they drank beer. They both tried to get my number. His fast talking friend, clearly high off coke wanted to take me out to dinner, when I refused he said, "lunch? Brunch? Coffee? A sandwich? Bag of chips? Slice of cake? Gum?" He was sorta charming and since he did drugs I thought sex with him is probably dynamite. But I had to decline. He spoke as if he were one of those "knowledge kickin brothas." Everything was "peace. And excuse me ma'am." Quick witted responses always at a fast pace with clever dialogue. He was hilarious. But not so much for me to pass along his digits. And yea he was a bonafide coke head. He and his friend admitted he was.
And so is the roommate, Juliet and her man. I can just look at them and tell. I left roach infestation and flies and mice. To come to less roach infestation, higher mice population and flies, loud birds and coke heads. Least the neighborhood is better.
Edit: I started this post on Thursday, it's now Saturday morning that I added all these details.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Can you consider them friends if they do this?
So a bomb has fallen on me the other night. (The night after seeing a spider crawl on my screen in the middle of the night as I surfed the net. A spider I thought, what next a fuckin centipede! How about a goddamn scorpion to top it off!) I'd gone to meet the Realtor for the documents to bring to section 8 for that tiny apartment in crown heights. And to also see the apartment again so i could figure out what I would have to toss and keep when moving into my new place. This place is small as shit but I am so pleased to have it. The man keeps his place clean and I assume if I don't cross him we will be good money.
I waited for 2 hrs to see his ass and the Realtor came with her kids who drove her ass up the walls. So as I waited in the laundromat in the neighborhood I lived for approximately a year when I was in the group home (literally around the corner is this apartment) and finally after 2 hrs and 6-7 blocks from the train station the landlord showed up to show me the place. But not but 15 minutes earlier did the other agent contact me telling me he finally got in touch with the absent landlord for the apartment I really wanted. I spoke to owner, barely really, cause I couldn't understand half the fuckin words coming out her mouth. She is extremely soft spoken but thought I was such a great candidate and I came so well recommended that she didn't even need to see my proof of income to want to rent to me.
So now I am stuck with two apartments and I don't know which to take. The smaller one is a distance from the train but about $300-$400 less than the bigger, real sized apartment which is one block from the train and of course more room. My heart tells me to take the smaller one. But fate may have set me up already. I have all the paperwork for the small one ready to go in on Monday, the other one would have to be put off until Tuesday and that may not get in my in the apartment by November 1st. And more than ever I need to be in an apt now.
When I came in that night to ask my roommate for her opinion on which apartment to take, she didn't know what to tell me, all she said was I'm giving you until the end of the month to leave. Her reason, she needs her space. I said to her well what if I can't move in until the 12th of the month. Her response that's not her problem find another friend to live with.
So with that knowledge, is she really my friend? It's cold outside, I have 2 kids with me and I am making ever effort to find a place to live. I try to keep her abreast of everything concerning my search so she knows that I am not just laying on her couch trying to live for next to nothing for a long period of time and she says this to me?
The comment out it not being her problem is what has set me off to begin my search for a room later that night. I put nothing past people, not after the last chic I was with locked me out of her apartment when I didn't know she was going to work that night. But she did know I was right around the corner and told me that wasn't her problem (indicated) because I didn't come in at the imaginary hour that she wanted me to be in the house. As if I was a child and not her adult "friend" that she'd known for 15 years.
Can I consider this girl a friend because of what she is doing for me now? To me, and correct me if I'm wrong...What is it if you are inconvenienced just a little because you are trying to help a friend get off their feet? Why are people so fuckin selfish? I mean seriously what space is it that you are missing. The fact that you want to be able to scratch your puss in the living room as opposed to your bedroom? You want to be able to not see an extra water bottle in the fridge, or is it that you just don't want to hear the door opening at night after you're settled in? I mean is your health at risk for having this person here. Is your future at risk? What are you not gaining extra money per month? Or it's not about the money it's about your fuckin piece of mind.
I cannot imagine how much room she really needs that we are taking up, in the name of I need your help please don't throw me out. Are we not cleaning every week like she wants us to be, cause if she wants that, for one it should have been said at the gate and two she is expecting live-in maids from the wrong people cause we keep very busy schedules which she knew from the gate. I mean I don't mind helping,and maybe we're doing things, little things, that may irritate the shit out of her. But see these are the situations that ruin relationships. Because instead of expressing yourself because you know you have a friend in need and you really want to help them, you shut up and tell them to get out whether or not they have a place to go.
And see this is the misconception many people have of me, I'm a beautiful girl with tons of friends and lovers that can save me. Only if I had that kind of confidence to get that kind of love from the world. I am quite attractive I must admit, but the game of life I have no clue how to play. Every man I've ever loved has hurt me in one way or the next. Turn their backs on me. One's I've slept with too fast, one's I've taken too long to give sex, they all have done me in. Even James, my heart tells me that although he called me yesterday and our conversation was good he not only hasn't answered either of my two phone calls today he has not answered to my text msgs. I wanted him to be the one I can just be with for a minute, because I really need someone I can turn to from time to time. Even if it's just for a little adult companionship. You know, someone who isn't an asshole. Which he wasn't. Young with a bit of speech impediment and problem with keeping a clean room. But he was nice and I liked him and now it seems he's ignoring me. Kind of how his friend did me one day. Just stopped responding to my texts.
So I went to see a room today. I had to pay a $200 fee to the finder which I am sure is an illegal fee that he needed not charge me, and on top of it for that price he didn't even drive me to the fuckin location. I had to get on the train. It was a decent sized room in a huuuge apartment in Washington Heights. It had a fridge, own bathroom and full sized bed that would not fit me and the kids. One of us, me, would have to sleep on the floor. The rent, $200 per week with 3 wks upfront to move in.
The agent was able to talk the owner into me splitting up the payments. Paying $400 this week and $400 next week. Now this puts me in a bind. To my name I have $1350. Out of that I have to take $620 to put towards my down payment for the apartment fees. The kids need coats because it got cold real quick! I need a metro card, my son lost his life line, cell phone the other day so now he needs to get another and I have to pay to have a new cable box and wireless service added in my room because my son gets home schooled and needs to be able to get online. How will I do this? After the $620 I'm left with $480, after I give her $400, I'm left with $80, the kids needs coats and I need a metro card for the week. In order to drop the papers off next week I need to get to work late which means my boss is going to doc me. So I will have a little more than $300 that week, because I have yet to come into work consistently to get my raise and make $600 a week.
Not to mention I have no sheets or blankets. Can't get into my storage because there is a lock on door due to my past due balance. So what do I do. For a girl that I've known since high school that clearly does not care about how putting me out will put me through more hell can I consider her a friend? And let's not think about the shelter because their rules have changed. If I'm found ineligible, I'm in the streets with my kids. I have no where to go come the end of the month if I don't go into this room. I have no where to go if my apartment is not approved for me to move in on November 1st. Can I consider her a friend for real. Just for her to utter those words to me.
New York is filled with the most selfish people I have ever encountered in my life. Everyone is about themselves. No one is genuine. They may do you a favor here or there if you're lucky but forget about anyone truly trying to help you. No one is trying to go the extra mile to help a fellow human, a fellow human that they actually know. Not long term but short term so you don't fall apart. I am grateful for what she has done so far but this was my fear when leaving the shelter. It was a big decision I felt I had to make because my schedule is so radical. I thought I would have been gone by now, out of here, the fuckin jungle apartment, but it hasn't worked in my favor. A small part of me wants to kill myself but I know my insurance policy is not 2 years matured yet. A big part of me is optimistic but then an even bigger part is saying you are on your way down forever you will struggle and you should consider ending the race to anything better. My future seems to be set. Set for nothing positive it seems.
I waited for 2 hrs to see his ass and the Realtor came with her kids who drove her ass up the walls. So as I waited in the laundromat in the neighborhood I lived for approximately a year when I was in the group home (literally around the corner is this apartment) and finally after 2 hrs and 6-7 blocks from the train station the landlord showed up to show me the place. But not but 15 minutes earlier did the other agent contact me telling me he finally got in touch with the absent landlord for the apartment I really wanted. I spoke to owner, barely really, cause I couldn't understand half the fuckin words coming out her mouth. She is extremely soft spoken but thought I was such a great candidate and I came so well recommended that she didn't even need to see my proof of income to want to rent to me.
So now I am stuck with two apartments and I don't know which to take. The smaller one is a distance from the train but about $300-$400 less than the bigger, real sized apartment which is one block from the train and of course more room. My heart tells me to take the smaller one. But fate may have set me up already. I have all the paperwork for the small one ready to go in on Monday, the other one would have to be put off until Tuesday and that may not get in my in the apartment by November 1st. And more than ever I need to be in an apt now.
When I came in that night to ask my roommate for her opinion on which apartment to take, she didn't know what to tell me, all she said was I'm giving you until the end of the month to leave. Her reason, she needs her space. I said to her well what if I can't move in until the 12th of the month. Her response that's not her problem find another friend to live with.
So with that knowledge, is she really my friend? It's cold outside, I have 2 kids with me and I am making ever effort to find a place to live. I try to keep her abreast of everything concerning my search so she knows that I am not just laying on her couch trying to live for next to nothing for a long period of time and she says this to me?
The comment out it not being her problem is what has set me off to begin my search for a room later that night. I put nothing past people, not after the last chic I was with locked me out of her apartment when I didn't know she was going to work that night. But she did know I was right around the corner and told me that wasn't her problem (indicated) because I didn't come in at the imaginary hour that she wanted me to be in the house. As if I was a child and not her adult "friend" that she'd known for 15 years.
Can I consider this girl a friend because of what she is doing for me now? To me, and correct me if I'm wrong...What is it if you are inconvenienced just a little because you are trying to help a friend get off their feet? Why are people so fuckin selfish? I mean seriously what space is it that you are missing. The fact that you want to be able to scratch your puss in the living room as opposed to your bedroom? You want to be able to not see an extra water bottle in the fridge, or is it that you just don't want to hear the door opening at night after you're settled in? I mean is your health at risk for having this person here. Is your future at risk? What are you not gaining extra money per month? Or it's not about the money it's about your fuckin piece of mind.
I cannot imagine how much room she really needs that we are taking up, in the name of I need your help please don't throw me out. Are we not cleaning every week like she wants us to be, cause if she wants that, for one it should have been said at the gate and two she is expecting live-in maids from the wrong people cause we keep very busy schedules which she knew from the gate. I mean I don't mind helping,and maybe we're doing things, little things, that may irritate the shit out of her. But see these are the situations that ruin relationships. Because instead of expressing yourself because you know you have a friend in need and you really want to help them, you shut up and tell them to get out whether or not they have a place to go.
And see this is the misconception many people have of me, I'm a beautiful girl with tons of friends and lovers that can save me. Only if I had that kind of confidence to get that kind of love from the world. I am quite attractive I must admit, but the game of life I have no clue how to play. Every man I've ever loved has hurt me in one way or the next. Turn their backs on me. One's I've slept with too fast, one's I've taken too long to give sex, they all have done me in. Even James, my heart tells me that although he called me yesterday and our conversation was good he not only hasn't answered either of my two phone calls today he has not answered to my text msgs. I wanted him to be the one I can just be with for a minute, because I really need someone I can turn to from time to time. Even if it's just for a little adult companionship. You know, someone who isn't an asshole. Which he wasn't. Young with a bit of speech impediment and problem with keeping a clean room. But he was nice and I liked him and now it seems he's ignoring me. Kind of how his friend did me one day. Just stopped responding to my texts.
So I went to see a room today. I had to pay a $200 fee to the finder which I am sure is an illegal fee that he needed not charge me, and on top of it for that price he didn't even drive me to the fuckin location. I had to get on the train. It was a decent sized room in a huuuge apartment in Washington Heights. It had a fridge, own bathroom and full sized bed that would not fit me and the kids. One of us, me, would have to sleep on the floor. The rent, $200 per week with 3 wks upfront to move in.
The agent was able to talk the owner into me splitting up the payments. Paying $400 this week and $400 next week. Now this puts me in a bind. To my name I have $1350. Out of that I have to take $620 to put towards my down payment for the apartment fees. The kids need coats because it got cold real quick! I need a metro card, my son lost his life line, cell phone the other day so now he needs to get another and I have to pay to have a new cable box and wireless service added in my room because my son gets home schooled and needs to be able to get online. How will I do this? After the $620 I'm left with $480, after I give her $400, I'm left with $80, the kids needs coats and I need a metro card for the week. In order to drop the papers off next week I need to get to work late which means my boss is going to doc me. So I will have a little more than $300 that week, because I have yet to come into work consistently to get my raise and make $600 a week.
Not to mention I have no sheets or blankets. Can't get into my storage because there is a lock on door due to my past due balance. So what do I do. For a girl that I've known since high school that clearly does not care about how putting me out will put me through more hell can I consider her a friend? And let's not think about the shelter because their rules have changed. If I'm found ineligible, I'm in the streets with my kids. I have no where to go come the end of the month if I don't go into this room. I have no where to go if my apartment is not approved for me to move in on November 1st. Can I consider her a friend for real. Just for her to utter those words to me.
New York is filled with the most selfish people I have ever encountered in my life. Everyone is about themselves. No one is genuine. They may do you a favor here or there if you're lucky but forget about anyone truly trying to help you. No one is trying to go the extra mile to help a fellow human, a fellow human that they actually know. Not long term but short term so you don't fall apart. I am grateful for what she has done so far but this was my fear when leaving the shelter. It was a big decision I felt I had to make because my schedule is so radical. I thought I would have been gone by now, out of here, the fuckin jungle apartment, but it hasn't worked in my favor. A small part of me wants to kill myself but I know my insurance policy is not 2 years matured yet. A big part of me is optimistic but then an even bigger part is saying you are on your way down forever you will struggle and you should consider ending the race to anything better. My future seems to be set. Set for nothing positive it seems.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Well...I'm only broken hearted...
for the 10,000 time. So I am done with James. Incase I haven't mentioned him he is...was my new partner that I got with about 2 wks ago. He was the friend of a guy I saw briefly this summer. Knew him (the friend) for a while, many years and...dated him. James came along kind of strangely. Calling me when I never gave him my number, saying he stole the number out of his friend's phone. I thought it was a set up all along and never paid it much mind. But when the friend (out of the clear blue) decided he would no longer respond to my text msgs) James called. And about one day after my 2 wk suspension from any vaginal inserts since I had my abortion, and was in heat I might add...I put out a silent S.O.S. and James answered. Asking to see me when he came to Brooklyn. Normally I would reject him. But under the circumstances he was my prey.
And he came out to my surprise, because he lives quite a distance. Well not really but I noticed with him effort was never his forte. We went to a b'day party for my roommate and as I drank my beloved apple martini, we chatted his car and then my tongue went in his mouth. And I was stunned that this boy could kiss as good as he could. I mean sure he's 25 and SHOULD know what to do by now but damn, there was passion in his kisses and I knew that that night I would have to have him. Though my conscious told me I was being a boundarless whore who needed to control herself. I was never one to believe that I am whore for any of the less than commendable sexual acts that I engage in, but this one was an exception. This man has been chasing me for months. Though his efforts were limited, hey he came after me and I shot him down with no problems. Hey I mean I felt they were trying to test me anyway.
But this night I decided to have no regrets. If the other guy found out I could care less. Men do this sort of crap to women on a daily basis. Not that it's an excuse to sleep with a friend of a guy I was once seeing but shux who cares! So I did. After, turning down his requests to come home with him I finally gave in. And it was so passionate. He called my name, I bit his neck and kissed him and it felt like love, though it wasn't. He gave me everything his friend didn't and everything the last guy I was with for 8 months lacked. True chemistry and straight passion. And I had to have more. And he rejected me for one reason or another. And I cried because forget the circumstances, I ALWAYS meet men like this. I can only see them when they want to be seen or to see me. Too busy to take a trip even five minutes away from their location just so I could spend 5 wonderful minutes with them. And it hurt. And I spoke to him about it and he apologized and assured me he is interested and would work on his inconsideration towards me. And the next day after an active text msg about seeing him after I left work and before he went to bed so he could be well rested when he went to work, he all of a sudden stopped responding to my text msgs. Matter of fact the question that he ignored was the one asking if I could truly come over or not.
His excuse was not accepted and I'd already told him to never contact me again. I mean we just spoke of this not even 24hrs ago. I don't care if you're tired. How did u lie down 2 seconds after u sent me a msg asking me how I would get home? Either he had a girl or he just (as usual with me and men) wasn't that interested.
I noticed no matter what the circumstance I meet men the outcome is still the same. I am going to put a red string on my left wrist. Red to represent a bleeding heart, a broken heart and pain. A pain that I do not want to experience anymore. I am so passionate despite my whorish ways. So loyal, and to some so beautiful and yet I cannot find a man that I am mutually interested in to want me for five minutes. I could not tolerate James' behavior. It was a tell tale sign that he was going to be no different from all the others that weren't interested. So I dropped him. Tears in my eyes because he gave me something I wanted. My heart broken because I prayed that he would be the one for a while and because nothing has changed. And because I still haven't learned my lesson. And because I don't know what's wrong with me, or what the universe is trying to tell me. When married women, group whores, and other sleeze ball women can get a steady date and I can't.
I didn't want to admit to myself before, but I want love. I want to be loved and give love to someone other than my kids. To someone I can call my lover, get mad at, take advantage of time to time. Introduce to new things, think about when I'm shopping, and miss when I can't see him. I wanted James to be that. He doesn't know and nor does he deserve this knowledge but I wanted to love him. I've waited so long and my heart just keeps getting pounded on. I hope I'm not becoming a bitter woman. But I need that string to remind me that any man I find attractive on any level, is never the man for me.
On the bright side, well kind of, a guy I've known for sometime asked me to be his girlfriend over the phone yesterday. I met him on the set of a small stage production years ago. And hadn't seen him in years till earlier this year. We never spent time because he is busy, I am busy and I am not interested. But after telling him that I can't find a man to like me for five minutes he made an offer to be with me. I declined. I recall him not being so attractive and not having the best breath. But I thought, if I gave him the chance maybe he will be the one to hog tie me and pound me into submission. But I don't know about that, I'll be wearing my string.
And he came out to my surprise, because he lives quite a distance. Well not really but I noticed with him effort was never his forte. We went to a b'day party for my roommate and as I drank my beloved apple martini, we chatted his car and then my tongue went in his mouth. And I was stunned that this boy could kiss as good as he could. I mean sure he's 25 and SHOULD know what to do by now but damn, there was passion in his kisses and I knew that that night I would have to have him. Though my conscious told me I was being a boundarless whore who needed to control herself. I was never one to believe that I am whore for any of the less than commendable sexual acts that I engage in, but this one was an exception. This man has been chasing me for months. Though his efforts were limited, hey he came after me and I shot him down with no problems. Hey I mean I felt they were trying to test me anyway.
But this night I decided to have no regrets. If the other guy found out I could care less. Men do this sort of crap to women on a daily basis. Not that it's an excuse to sleep with a friend of a guy I was once seeing but shux who cares! So I did. After, turning down his requests to come home with him I finally gave in. And it was so passionate. He called my name, I bit his neck and kissed him and it felt like love, though it wasn't. He gave me everything his friend didn't and everything the last guy I was with for 8 months lacked. True chemistry and straight passion. And I had to have more. And he rejected me for one reason or another. And I cried because forget the circumstances, I ALWAYS meet men like this. I can only see them when they want to be seen or to see me. Too busy to take a trip even five minutes away from their location just so I could spend 5 wonderful minutes with them. And it hurt. And I spoke to him about it and he apologized and assured me he is interested and would work on his inconsideration towards me. And the next day after an active text msg about seeing him after I left work and before he went to bed so he could be well rested when he went to work, he all of a sudden stopped responding to my text msgs. Matter of fact the question that he ignored was the one asking if I could truly come over or not.
His excuse was not accepted and I'd already told him to never contact me again. I mean we just spoke of this not even 24hrs ago. I don't care if you're tired. How did u lie down 2 seconds after u sent me a msg asking me how I would get home? Either he had a girl or he just (as usual with me and men) wasn't that interested.
I noticed no matter what the circumstance I meet men the outcome is still the same. I am going to put a red string on my left wrist. Red to represent a bleeding heart, a broken heart and pain. A pain that I do not want to experience anymore. I am so passionate despite my whorish ways. So loyal, and to some so beautiful and yet I cannot find a man that I am mutually interested in to want me for five minutes. I could not tolerate James' behavior. It was a tell tale sign that he was going to be no different from all the others that weren't interested. So I dropped him. Tears in my eyes because he gave me something I wanted. My heart broken because I prayed that he would be the one for a while and because nothing has changed. And because I still haven't learned my lesson. And because I don't know what's wrong with me, or what the universe is trying to tell me. When married women, group whores, and other sleeze ball women can get a steady date and I can't.
I didn't want to admit to myself before, but I want love. I want to be loved and give love to someone other than my kids. To someone I can call my lover, get mad at, take advantage of time to time. Introduce to new things, think about when I'm shopping, and miss when I can't see him. I wanted James to be that. He doesn't know and nor does he deserve this knowledge but I wanted to love him. I've waited so long and my heart just keeps getting pounded on. I hope I'm not becoming a bitter woman. But I need that string to remind me that any man I find attractive on any level, is never the man for me.
On the bright side, well kind of, a guy I've known for sometime asked me to be his girlfriend over the phone yesterday. I met him on the set of a small stage production years ago. And hadn't seen him in years till earlier this year. We never spent time because he is busy, I am busy and I am not interested. But after telling him that I can't find a man to like me for five minutes he made an offer to be with me. I declined. I recall him not being so attractive and not having the best breath. But I thought, if I gave him the chance maybe he will be the one to hog tie me and pound me into submission. But I don't know about that, I'll be wearing my string.
O Dear
So this wknd has been an interesting one. I saw one apt on Friday that was a literal match box. Did I mention this one already? Joint so small there isn't a real living room. There's like an area for a couch or sofa don't ask me where I'm going to put our beloved pet turtle. Let alone mention dresser drawers to put our clothes. I'm going to have to purchase expensive beds with built in storage units to survive there. Where will the kids bikes go? And I guess this means I too will not be able to buy a buy cause the walls will be covered with the one I have for my son and the other I plan to get for my little girl.
But alas! Hope came in the form of an Indian real estate broker. Who showed me a 3 bedroom in East NY with a whopping, unheard of 5 closets!! GASP. A living ROOM not an area and bedrooms that are so sizable I could fit my head, feet and arms in it!
The landlords live down south and I was assured by the broker that if I got my paper work in it would be mine. But my paperwork was in the hand of a shady broker and her landlord and it was a holiday wknd. I'd left msgs to no avail and I even prayed on top of crying in the middle of the night that I get back the money and my forms (to avoid making another trip to the Bronx section 8 office from Brooklyn) back so I could get the ideal apartment. The one I turned down other apts for. Because I knew it existed. Wood floors equipped, with a sizable bathroom and a true walk-in closet. A closet so big I could fit a dresser drawer in it. Can u believe it! $1500 yes, no 2nd bathroom like the tinier counterpart in crown heights, but by golly it had room. I wouldn't have to pay rent there and for storage space to keep the things I can't fit simultaneously.
And my prayers and cries weren't in vain. While at the mall with my estranged homegirl my hand middle itched me pretty profusely, a tell tale sign of mine that cash was about to enter my hand. And of course my phone would ring and it would be the landlord telling me that she wanted to return my money to me that night. And I would meet her the next morning and she would hand me $1350 in cash along with the documents I needed to avoid making that dreaded trip uptown.
I couldn't have been more enthused. The next business day I faxed over my proof of income and till this day wait with fingers, boobs and legs crossed that this absent landlord would give the ok for me to begin the move-in process for this place. Today I went down to the real estate to drop off a copy of the docs for the landlord of the tiny place in crown heights to complete. And i will stall until next week to end over to section 8 to drop these documents off so I can move in to my new apt pronto.
The upside of the tiny place is I can save a lot more because my rent cost is a lot lower. Well save what I'm not spending in storage. But the downsides really turn me off. The distance from the train. The lack of space. The fact that it's in my old neighborhood. Yuk! I will be happy as a pig in shit tho because tonight. On top of killing a mosquito, swatting away flies and dodging roaches. For the first time in approximately six weeks, I discovered that the other pests were not alone, there is a mice problem in here too. O dear.
But alas! Hope came in the form of an Indian real estate broker. Who showed me a 3 bedroom in East NY with a whopping, unheard of 5 closets!! GASP. A living ROOM not an area and bedrooms that are so sizable I could fit my head, feet and arms in it!
The landlords live down south and I was assured by the broker that if I got my paper work in it would be mine. But my paperwork was in the hand of a shady broker and her landlord and it was a holiday wknd. I'd left msgs to no avail and I even prayed on top of crying in the middle of the night that I get back the money and my forms (to avoid making another trip to the Bronx section 8 office from Brooklyn) back so I could get the ideal apartment. The one I turned down other apts for. Because I knew it existed. Wood floors equipped, with a sizable bathroom and a true walk-in closet. A closet so big I could fit a dresser drawer in it. Can u believe it! $1500 yes, no 2nd bathroom like the tinier counterpart in crown heights, but by golly it had room. I wouldn't have to pay rent there and for storage space to keep the things I can't fit simultaneously.
And my prayers and cries weren't in vain. While at the mall with my estranged homegirl my hand middle itched me pretty profusely, a tell tale sign of mine that cash was about to enter my hand. And of course my phone would ring and it would be the landlord telling me that she wanted to return my money to me that night. And I would meet her the next morning and she would hand me $1350 in cash along with the documents I needed to avoid making that dreaded trip uptown.
I couldn't have been more enthused. The next business day I faxed over my proof of income and till this day wait with fingers, boobs and legs crossed that this absent landlord would give the ok for me to begin the move-in process for this place. Today I went down to the real estate to drop off a copy of the docs for the landlord of the tiny place in crown heights to complete. And i will stall until next week to end over to section 8 to drop these documents off so I can move in to my new apt pronto.
The upside of the tiny place is I can save a lot more because my rent cost is a lot lower. Well save what I'm not spending in storage. But the downsides really turn me off. The distance from the train. The lack of space. The fact that it's in my old neighborhood. Yuk! I will be happy as a pig in shit tho because tonight. On top of killing a mosquito, swatting away flies and dodging roaches. For the first time in approximately six weeks, I discovered that the other pests were not alone, there is a mice problem in here too. O dear.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Another day, another lost apartment
So last week, after being threatened to lose the apartment I agreed to rent because I wanted to view it once more to make sure this is what I wanted to do, (because I was hesitant about the area) and was about to drop a $1350 deposit on the joint I hear some truly fucked up news today. First let me say that this Realtor claimed she'd worked with this landlord before, and how she is a good landlord blah blah blah but now I'm wondering if she was just really talking some shit. So...the paperwork to bring into the section 8 office included my lease was to be handed to me last wknd and 5 excuses later it still has not reached my hands. I called and inquired only to hear oh the landlord hasn't gotten back to me yet or oh the landlord only left me a msg saying her secretary is not in the office so the paperwork couldn't be filled out (the secretary was going to fill out the papers because it is a time consuming process). It got to the point where after being advised I called the landlord myself and left her a msg inquiring about the hold up. No call back and a day later the agent calls me. Well I can give you two options with the apartment. you can get reimbursed your money or wait two weeks to get the paperwork because the person authorized to fill them out won't be back until then.
My mouth hit the floor. Ya see this woman practically pressured me to get the information together, and the cash! for this apartment. and then there was no mention in between all the phone calls made during the week, nor during the time I came down to meet the landlord and drop off the forms to be filled out was there any mention that the landlord still hasn't gotten all the proof that she is the new owner of this building so u may have to wait. All it was about was me going that day to the apartment to pay my deposit. Nothing else. Then she hits me with the okie doke, she can still let you move in if u have a situation and need a place to stay. u just have to pay the full rent.
and then what? in two weeks i will hear yet another cockamamie story about why the paperwork isn't done yet. and i have spent so much money to live in an area i don't care for in an apt where for the cost, i could have an extra room and keep my living room, for $50 more if i look elsewhere! am i making any sense here, i think i'm ranting and it's not coming out right.
u r intelligent if you are reading this. and you think i'm a wack job because of the odd ball way i type but i don't give a fuck right now. i am counting my blessings tho. all the shady actions caused ppl to try and jinx me saying that i lost my cash on that place. i am now relieved i have an opportunity to get it back and move into a place in a better area. soon after that awful phone call i got others saying come see an apt tomorrow morning and then one in the afternoon. i have so much to do this wknd that i have to put my search off till monday. if the place i truly want, the 3 bedroom with the piano and backyard on the quiet block comes in that doesn't take section 8 i'm in it! ppl don't agree with me giving up my subsidy but i say the hell with it. i'm tired. my children are getting bit up by some kind of bug, not sure if its a mosquito, roach or plain ole bed bugs. but my daughter has like 20 bites compared to my son's like 15.
i'm sick of the flies and roaches swarming this apartment. and most of all i'm sick of the long commute my poor child has to do to a very distant neighboring burrough. we get up early in the morning and if we are up late, she is late. i'm sick of living out of a suitcase and not being able to get my $200 raise because my schedule is so shaky. last nite as i entered the fridge for a drink of water i noticed a spider slinging its web from my arm. wow i'm in the jungle, not an apt with a roof and a door. i'm sick of not being able to start all over again.
My mouth hit the floor. Ya see this woman practically pressured me to get the information together, and the cash! for this apartment. and then there was no mention in between all the phone calls made during the week, nor during the time I came down to meet the landlord and drop off the forms to be filled out was there any mention that the landlord still hasn't gotten all the proof that she is the new owner of this building so u may have to wait. All it was about was me going that day to the apartment to pay my deposit. Nothing else. Then she hits me with the okie doke, she can still let you move in if u have a situation and need a place to stay. u just have to pay the full rent.
and then what? in two weeks i will hear yet another cockamamie story about why the paperwork isn't done yet. and i have spent so much money to live in an area i don't care for in an apt where for the cost, i could have an extra room and keep my living room, for $50 more if i look elsewhere! am i making any sense here, i think i'm ranting and it's not coming out right.
u r intelligent if you are reading this. and you think i'm a wack job because of the odd ball way i type but i don't give a fuck right now. i am counting my blessings tho. all the shady actions caused ppl to try and jinx me saying that i lost my cash on that place. i am now relieved i have an opportunity to get it back and move into a place in a better area. soon after that awful phone call i got others saying come see an apt tomorrow morning and then one in the afternoon. i have so much to do this wknd that i have to put my search off till monday. if the place i truly want, the 3 bedroom with the piano and backyard on the quiet block comes in that doesn't take section 8 i'm in it! ppl don't agree with me giving up my subsidy but i say the hell with it. i'm tired. my children are getting bit up by some kind of bug, not sure if its a mosquito, roach or plain ole bed bugs. but my daughter has like 20 bites compared to my son's like 15.
i'm sick of the flies and roaches swarming this apartment. and most of all i'm sick of the long commute my poor child has to do to a very distant neighboring burrough. we get up early in the morning and if we are up late, she is late. i'm sick of living out of a suitcase and not being able to get my $200 raise because my schedule is so shaky. last nite as i entered the fridge for a drink of water i noticed a spider slinging its web from my arm. wow i'm in the jungle, not an apt with a roof and a door. i'm sick of not being able to start all over again.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Yes I'm fuckin happy I'm getting that apt
So I just finished posting a blog and already i've started another, why? To be thankful I have some place of my own to crash in approximately 2 wks *crosses fingers*. You know one of the things that irritate me about staying at my g/f's place is the fact that she and her son have no consideration. Like right now the kids are sleeping because we all have to be up and out early in the morning. And what is taking place? She is in the room with her son making so much fuckin noise I wanna go to the door and kick it down and tell her to shut the fuck up because the kids are actually sleeping in the next room. I can't go to sleep out here because her son and his brother are on the computer myspacing their asses away, i guarantee you they will not be off before 3am.
This is every night though and grant it, I won't be able to say a thing about it because I am a guest here and should be grateful but this and other things I didn't think of when I decided to leave the shelter and come here. I just thought, they are only going to give m 10 days to find an apt before transferring me to some dump shelter? I can do better elsewhere. Not sure if this is better but it damn sure is annoying.
This is every night though and grant it, I won't be able to say a thing about it because I am a guest here and should be grateful but this and other things I didn't think of when I decided to leave the shelter and come here. I just thought, they are only going to give m 10 days to find an apt before transferring me to some dump shelter? I can do better elsewhere. Not sure if this is better but it damn sure is annoying.
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