So I just finished posting a blog and already i've started another, why? To be thankful I have some place of my own to crash in approximately 2 wks *crosses fingers*. You know one of the things that irritate me about staying at my g/f's place is the fact that she and her son have no consideration. Like right now the kids are sleeping because we all have to be up and out early in the morning. And what is taking place? She is in the room with her son making so much fuckin noise I wanna go to the door and kick it down and tell her to shut the fuck up because the kids are actually sleeping in the next room. I can't go to sleep out here because her son and his brother are on the computer myspacing their asses away, i guarantee you they will not be off before 3am.
This is every night though and grant it, I won't be able to say a thing about it because I am a guest here and should be grateful but this and other things I didn't think of when I decided to leave the shelter and come here. I just thought, they are only going to give m 10 days to find an apt before transferring me to some dump shelter? I can do better elsewhere. Not sure if this is better but it damn sure is annoying.
Friday, September 28, 2007
My week-end review
I've been lazy for the past fews days. not writing and all. not cause i couldn't but because I'm a procrastinator and this is exactly why I'll never complete my great American novel. by the time i decide to write that up the book market will be much like the music market is right now...no way to make any real money.
So what has taken place since I've been gone? I saw a fabulous cabaret show in the city and was so joyous and inspired only to be on the train the next morning on my way to work and be crying my ass off because i am so disappointed with my life. particularly the apt I'm about to move in. it's a nice space which probably has rodent issues, tho I'm going to try and control that before i move in. and the neighborhood...the neighborhood, the hoodlums parked in front of the stores that are positioned next to the building I'd be living in. the projects across the street and the sloppy baby mamas that patrol the neighborhood like they've never worked a day in their life. they look like they just sit home, eat fried chicken, fuck and collect welfare and their life's aspiration is to see how they can scam the government out of mo' money! mo' money! mo' money!
just not the kind of neighborhood you want to raise children in. this makes my job as a parent so much harder yanno? now I'm going to have to lay down the iron fist even harder on my kids. i just felt like the awful situation with my old apartment was an opportunity to build myself up. i had hit rock bottom and there should have been nowhere but up. i mean i asked and i prayed to get the perfect apt, the one I'd wanted for years and instead i end up in a place where the space is practically the same but the rent is higher and the neighborhood is worse. i mean it could all be a lot worse, I'm glad we have some place to move to and i can finally move out of my g/f's apt.
why just tonite my son went to have a cup of water, and as usual not listening to the simple lessons I've taught over more than a decade (rinse all dishes and utensils before you use them) he ends up swallowing roach legs. 'well' i said. 'now you are a roach.'
as i cried i felt like a failing parent, that maybe this is what i signed up for (if we truly do choose our lives) and why the hell did i sign up for this. and is this just the begining of a great future that i just can't see? or a tragic end? i went from being kicked out my apt to crashing with one g/f who locked me out of the apt for no good reason, to going into the shelter, to leaving to go to another g/f's home and sleeping on her futon with flies galore and roaches. first roach crawled on my face, then i woke up the next day to another dead at my feet on the futon. to her hiding the bath soap and refusing to replace the toilet paper, i guess in her way of teaching me a lesson. i don't get this shit with ppl. yea sure u move into someone's home and its like u are their kid, but do they realize that in actuality u aren't a kid and if there are issues they should address you like an adult? like saying 'hey listen, pet peeve maven' (that's me) 'u need to get your own bath soap and toilet paper.' i think being straight forward is so much more understandable and respectful than sending rude ass signals to each other.
Thats exactly why situations like this can ruin a friendship. For some reason people are afraid to communicate. Maybe cause there is this fear of confrontation, but if the ppl involved in this type of BS take a step back they'd realized its the stupid signals you send out as opposed to being straight forward that causes the conflict.
I just wanted everything to be better. I had better plans for my life and uhm things aren't working out as planned. On the bright side, i actually don't feel so bad about it anymore. Sure there are two projects in the neighborhood and even the children there look like cold blooded murderers. But looks can be deceiving, maybe I won't be bothered, i mean the hell with me but what about the kids? I want my kids to be able to want to ride their bikes freely without worries that someone will rob em for it...aww man let me be positive about this. Maybe my boss is wrong, white ppl mite take over the neighborhood. All i need to see is one white couple then there'll be a permanent smile on my face.
For now, I'm happy the kids and I will have our own place to live. Not have to fight flies off each day and night and all of the other good things that come with having your own place.
So what has taken place since I've been gone? I saw a fabulous cabaret show in the city and was so joyous and inspired only to be on the train the next morning on my way to work and be crying my ass off because i am so disappointed with my life. particularly the apt I'm about to move in. it's a nice space which probably has rodent issues, tho I'm going to try and control that before i move in. and the neighborhood...the neighborhood, the hoodlums parked in front of the stores that are positioned next to the building I'd be living in. the projects across the street and the sloppy baby mamas that patrol the neighborhood like they've never worked a day in their life. they look like they just sit home, eat fried chicken, fuck and collect welfare and their life's aspiration is to see how they can scam the government out of mo' money! mo' money! mo' money!
just not the kind of neighborhood you want to raise children in. this makes my job as a parent so much harder yanno? now I'm going to have to lay down the iron fist even harder on my kids. i just felt like the awful situation with my old apartment was an opportunity to build myself up. i had hit rock bottom and there should have been nowhere but up. i mean i asked and i prayed to get the perfect apt, the one I'd wanted for years and instead i end up in a place where the space is practically the same but the rent is higher and the neighborhood is worse. i mean it could all be a lot worse, I'm glad we have some place to move to and i can finally move out of my g/f's apt.
why just tonite my son went to have a cup of water, and as usual not listening to the simple lessons I've taught over more than a decade (rinse all dishes and utensils before you use them) he ends up swallowing roach legs. 'well' i said. 'now you are a roach.'
as i cried i felt like a failing parent, that maybe this is what i signed up for (if we truly do choose our lives) and why the hell did i sign up for this. and is this just the begining of a great future that i just can't see? or a tragic end? i went from being kicked out my apt to crashing with one g/f who locked me out of the apt for no good reason, to going into the shelter, to leaving to go to another g/f's home and sleeping on her futon with flies galore and roaches. first roach crawled on my face, then i woke up the next day to another dead at my feet on the futon. to her hiding the bath soap and refusing to replace the toilet paper, i guess in her way of teaching me a lesson. i don't get this shit with ppl. yea sure u move into someone's home and its like u are their kid, but do they realize that in actuality u aren't a kid and if there are issues they should address you like an adult? like saying 'hey listen, pet peeve maven' (that's me) 'u need to get your own bath soap and toilet paper.' i think being straight forward is so much more understandable and respectful than sending rude ass signals to each other.
Thats exactly why situations like this can ruin a friendship. For some reason people are afraid to communicate. Maybe cause there is this fear of confrontation, but if the ppl involved in this type of BS take a step back they'd realized its the stupid signals you send out as opposed to being straight forward that causes the conflict.
I just wanted everything to be better. I had better plans for my life and uhm things aren't working out as planned. On the bright side, i actually don't feel so bad about it anymore. Sure there are two projects in the neighborhood and even the children there look like cold blooded murderers. But looks can be deceiving, maybe I won't be bothered, i mean the hell with me but what about the kids? I want my kids to be able to want to ride their bikes freely without worries that someone will rob em for it...aww man let me be positive about this. Maybe my boss is wrong, white ppl mite take over the neighborhood. All i need to see is one white couple then there'll be a permanent smile on my face.
For now, I'm happy the kids and I will have our own place to live. Not have to fight flies off each day and night and all of the other good things that come with having your own place.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
So this is what it's come to
I am so fuckin irritated. I put down $1350 on an apt today and I am so skeptic. The area is hot. Hot as in bad! I mean fuckin bad! smacked dead between a bodega and a chicken spot indeed with the neighborhood losers to match it and across the street the swank projects and the ghetto single mama's (as if i'm innocent here) to match the neighborhood. i say the difference between myself and these girls are the possibility that i have aspiration and ambition not to live in this shit hole forever. I mean i don't know them, but if some how looks could tell what they are about then these chics are straight losers. I mean I'm not the fanciest dresser, when i feel like it, but i go to work everyday and i want better for my kids, these girls and guys look like...well they've just given up. I feel like moving into this neighborhood i too have given up. I met the landlady today only after having to pull teeth with the agent. I wanted to give the apt one last go over before i handed down all this money and filled out this paperwork.
Oh the agent started acting like the bitch i casually called her when speaking of returning her call to a co-worker. They warned me not to do that b/c she could become a bitch. and that she did! She was so peeved, coming up with all type of excuses as to why she and the landlady may not be able to come to the apt but we should meet at the office b/c that's where business is conducted. If I was quick like that i'd have reminded the bitch that until i asked for the address to her office (for investigative purposes but she doesn't know that) she was all for us going back to the apt if that was convenient for me. Ole bitch started getting spiteful, talking that she would not be holding the apt anymore blah blah blah. greedy bitch. i was waiting for her to say something slick to me at the apt so i could place her silly desperate ass.
The only reason i put money down on the apt is b/c of the silly living situation i'm in. living with a g/f who hides her bath soap so the kids and i won't use it and her son who likes to take over the living room at 10:55pm on a school nite until he feels well and good to get off. it's as if he doesn't see that we are sleeping in the very room he chooses to myspace his self to death in and that the entire house has to be up before sunset! *sigh* these are the drawbacks of not only shacking up in someone else's place but also of inconsiderate folks. i can't imagine well trained white folk being like this. good grief.
so what am i to do? keep staying here and if i run out of soap at 12am and i'm on my period and it leaked and i have no money till next pay day, not take a shower? what about the toilet paper when it runs out again and i don't notice it till i'm on the toilet and it seems she has deliberately not replaced it? or do i just move into a bad neighborhood, decent sized apt for more money than i was paying for the last apt, to also feel compelled to dish out money for an alarm system and afraid to have my kids come home after school when i'm still at work? Or do i return to the shelter system where, since i have a subsidy they only give me 10 days to find a new place to live otherwise they are possibly more than threatening to bounce me to another shelter with my school age kids. My options are limited. But options I do have. I'm not sure I want to be someplace where i'm not sure if i'm wanted or not; where not only do i wake up to roaches crawling on my face, but i wake up to a dead one sleeping next to me. if i believed that god was an entity other than myself i would ask for him to help me. In this instance I'm going to ask my higher self to help me. Help me find something else. I've gone from bad to worse. I've taken a step down, it could be a lot worse. But at this rate i'm going to worse at a steady pace.
Oh the agent started acting like the bitch i casually called her when speaking of returning her call to a co-worker. They warned me not to do that b/c she could become a bitch. and that she did! She was so peeved, coming up with all type of excuses as to why she and the landlady may not be able to come to the apt but we should meet at the office b/c that's where business is conducted. If I was quick like that i'd have reminded the bitch that until i asked for the address to her office (for investigative purposes but she doesn't know that) she was all for us going back to the apt if that was convenient for me. Ole bitch started getting spiteful, talking that she would not be holding the apt anymore blah blah blah. greedy bitch. i was waiting for her to say something slick to me at the apt so i could place her silly desperate ass.
The only reason i put money down on the apt is b/c of the silly living situation i'm in. living with a g/f who hides her bath soap so the kids and i won't use it and her son who likes to take over the living room at 10:55pm on a school nite until he feels well and good to get off. it's as if he doesn't see that we are sleeping in the very room he chooses to myspace his self to death in and that the entire house has to be up before sunset! *sigh* these are the drawbacks of not only shacking up in someone else's place but also of inconsiderate folks. i can't imagine well trained white folk being like this. good grief.
so what am i to do? keep staying here and if i run out of soap at 12am and i'm on my period and it leaked and i have no money till next pay day, not take a shower? what about the toilet paper when it runs out again and i don't notice it till i'm on the toilet and it seems she has deliberately not replaced it? or do i just move into a bad neighborhood, decent sized apt for more money than i was paying for the last apt, to also feel compelled to dish out money for an alarm system and afraid to have my kids come home after school when i'm still at work? Or do i return to the shelter system where, since i have a subsidy they only give me 10 days to find a new place to live otherwise they are possibly more than threatening to bounce me to another shelter with my school age kids. My options are limited. But options I do have. I'm not sure I want to be someplace where i'm not sure if i'm wanted or not; where not only do i wake up to roaches crawling on my face, but i wake up to a dead one sleeping next to me. if i believed that god was an entity other than myself i would ask for him to help me. In this instance I'm going to ask my higher self to help me. Help me find something else. I've gone from bad to worse. I've taken a step down, it could be a lot worse. But at this rate i'm going to worse at a steady pace.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Don't loose your apt in NY!!!
So I've learned my fucking lesson already. Don't pay your rent, lose your apartment and have HELL finding the next one. I cannot believe this shit. First off I'm in a fucked up situation on more levels than one. I work off the books, I have a government subsidy which NO ONE wants to take, and...and my credit is not in the greatest state due to the dumb shit i did in my early 20s. This is what no guidance gets you. So, ok I take the blame. I played myself with my last apt and now I'm getting the big payback. If my former landlord knew what I was going thru right now he would laugh his fuckin ass off in delight. I am again near tears. I cried the other day, only to find a great tiny little apt that I thought I would get only to hear some cockamamie story about how the landlady had to give the apt to her mother-in-law who had an emergency in the elderly home. What!! So you mean to tell me that she is giving an entire 2 bedroom 2 bath apt to an old bitch coming from a elderly house??? JUST STOP IT. STOP IT NOW.
But there is the upside. I have another potential more roomy (no private bath) 2 bedroom apt waiting for me. Smacked dead in the middle between a bodega and a chicken spot. And the wonderful street hoods who hang out in front of those places. Hopefully nothing goes wrong with this one. Otherwise this will be the 4th apt that slipped out my hand in less than 2 months. and they weren't all my fault. I feel like slitting my wrists or packing my bags and moving upstate NY. Changing my name and just leaving my kids on their own. I feel like...a fuckin loser right now.
I mean thank the GODS for the flexible employment and the understanding boss. And thank goodness for my g/f who let me stay in her place after I decided to leave the shelter b/c of all the changes they were trying to put me through on top of all the BS I was going through. But I've got to leave here. The over abundance of flies and roaches in this apt is incredible. Not that my g/f is a nasty heifer but the building is disgusting and she has compromised a decent neighborhood and clean building and overall better health for space. I been here like a month and I can't see myself doing two. (dare i fail to mention that I woke up round 4:30 this morning to a roach crawling on my face.) So to all you that read this have some sympathy. Pray that I get the next apt or better yet get the apt I really want although it does not take my subsidy. I have to get off the gravy train. It's been great with section 8 but due to the bad press it's making it hard for me to find a place to live with my kids and I want my own again.
I want to start over, prove to myself that I can pay my bills not only on time, but just pay em. I just want a landlord to hear my cry and come rescue me. Boy right now I could use some good sex.
But there is the upside. I have another potential more roomy (no private bath) 2 bedroom apt waiting for me. Smacked dead in the middle between a bodega and a chicken spot. And the wonderful street hoods who hang out in front of those places. Hopefully nothing goes wrong with this one. Otherwise this will be the 4th apt that slipped out my hand in less than 2 months. and they weren't all my fault. I feel like slitting my wrists or packing my bags and moving upstate NY. Changing my name and just leaving my kids on their own. I feel like...a fuckin loser right now.
I mean thank the GODS for the flexible employment and the understanding boss. And thank goodness for my g/f who let me stay in her place after I decided to leave the shelter b/c of all the changes they were trying to put me through on top of all the BS I was going through. But I've got to leave here. The over abundance of flies and roaches in this apt is incredible. Not that my g/f is a nasty heifer but the building is disgusting and she has compromised a decent neighborhood and clean building and overall better health for space. I been here like a month and I can't see myself doing two. (dare i fail to mention that I woke up round 4:30 this morning to a roach crawling on my face.) So to all you that read this have some sympathy. Pray that I get the next apt or better yet get the apt I really want although it does not take my subsidy. I have to get off the gravy train. It's been great with section 8 but due to the bad press it's making it hard for me to find a place to live with my kids and I want my own again.
I want to start over, prove to myself that I can pay my bills not only on time, but just pay em. I just want a landlord to hear my cry and come rescue me. Boy right now I could use some good sex.
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