My week-end review

I've been lazy for the past fews days. not writing and all. not cause i couldn't but because I'm a procrastinator and this is exactly why I'll never complete my great American novel. by the time i decide to write that up the book market will be much like the music market is right now...no way to make any real money.

So what has taken place since I've been gone? I saw a fabulous cabaret show in the city and was so joyous and inspired only to be on the train the next morning on my way to work and be crying my ass off because i am so disappointed with my life. particularly the apt I'm about to move in. it's a nice space which probably has rodent issues, tho I'm going to try and control that before i move in. and the neighborhood...the neighborhood, the hoodlums parked in front of the stores that are positioned next to the building I'd be living in. the projects across the street and the sloppy baby mamas that patrol the neighborhood like they've never worked a day in their life. they look like they just sit home, eat fried chicken, fuck and collect welfare and their life's aspiration is to see how they can scam the government out of mo' money! mo' money! mo' money!

just not the kind of neighborhood you want to raise children in. this makes my job as a parent so much harder yanno? now I'm going to have to lay down the iron fist even harder on my kids. i just felt like the awful situation with my old apartment was an opportunity to build myself up. i had hit rock bottom and there should have been nowhere but up. i mean i asked and i prayed to get the perfect apt, the one I'd wanted for years and instead i end up in a place where the space is practically the same but the rent is higher and the neighborhood is worse. i mean it could all be a lot worse, I'm glad we have some place to move to and i can finally move out of my g/f's apt.

why just tonite my son went to have a cup of water, and as usual not listening to the simple lessons I've taught over more than a decade (rinse all dishes and utensils before you use them) he ends up swallowing roach legs. 'well' i said. 'now you are a roach.'

as i cried i felt like a failing parent, that maybe this is what i signed up for (if we truly do choose our lives) and why the hell did i sign up for this. and is this just the begining of a great future that i just can't see? or a tragic end? i went from being kicked out my apt to crashing with one g/f who locked me out of the apt for no good reason, to going into the shelter, to leaving to go to another g/f's home and sleeping on her futon with flies galore and roaches. first roach crawled on my face, then i woke up the next day to another dead at my feet on the futon. to her hiding the bath soap and refusing to replace the toilet paper, i guess in her way of teaching me a lesson. i don't get this shit with ppl. yea sure u move into someone's home and its like u are their kid, but do they realize that in actuality u aren't a kid and if there are issues they should address you like an adult? like saying 'hey listen, pet peeve maven' (that's me) 'u need to get your own bath soap and toilet paper.' i think being straight forward is so much more understandable and respectful than sending rude ass signals to each other.

Thats exactly why situations like this can ruin a friendship. For some reason people are afraid to communicate. Maybe cause there is this fear of confrontation, but if the ppl involved in this type of BS take a step back they'd realized its the stupid signals you send out as opposed to being straight forward that causes the conflict.

I just wanted everything to be better. I had better plans for my life and uhm things aren't working out as planned. On the bright side, i actually don't feel so bad about it anymore. Sure there are two projects in the neighborhood and even the children there look like cold blooded murderers. But looks can be deceiving, maybe I won't be bothered, i mean the hell with me but what about the kids? I want my kids to be able to want to ride their bikes freely without worries that someone will rob em for it...aww man let me be positive about this. Maybe my boss is wrong, white ppl mite take over the neighborhood. All i need to see is one white couple then there'll be a permanent smile on my face.

For now, I'm happy the kids and I will have our own place to live. Not have to fight flies off each day and night and all of the other good things that come with having your own place.