So this is what it's come to

I am so fuckin irritated. I put down $1350 on an apt today and I am so skeptic. The area is hot. Hot as in bad! I mean fuckin bad! smacked dead between a bodega and a chicken spot indeed with the neighborhood losers to match it and across the street the swank projects and the ghetto single mama's (as if i'm innocent here) to match the neighborhood. i say the difference between myself and these girls are the possibility that i have aspiration and ambition not to live in this shit hole forever. I mean i don't know them, but if some how looks could tell what they are about then these chics are straight losers. I mean I'm not the fanciest dresser, when i feel like it, but i go to work everyday and i want better for my kids, these girls and guys look like...well they've just given up. I feel like moving into this neighborhood i too have given up. I met the landlady today only after having to pull teeth with the agent. I wanted to give the apt one last go over before i handed down all this money and filled out this paperwork.

Oh the agent started acting like the bitch i casually called her when speaking of returning her call to a co-worker. They warned me not to do that b/c she could become a bitch. and that she did! She was so peeved, coming up with all type of excuses as to why she and the landlady may not be able to come to the apt but we should meet at the office b/c that's where business is conducted. If I was quick like that i'd have reminded the bitch that until i asked for the address to her office (for investigative purposes but she doesn't know that) she was all for us going back to the apt if that was convenient for me. Ole bitch started getting spiteful, talking that she would not be holding the apt anymore blah blah blah. greedy bitch. i was waiting for her to say something slick to me at the apt so i could place her silly desperate ass.

The only reason i put money down on the apt is b/c of the silly living situation i'm in. living with a g/f who hides her bath soap so the kids and i won't use it and her son who likes to take over the living room at 10:55pm on a school nite until he feels well and good to get off. it's as if he doesn't see that we are sleeping in the very room he chooses to myspace his self to death in and that the entire house has to be up before sunset! *sigh* these are the drawbacks of not only shacking up in someone else's place but also of inconsiderate folks. i can't imagine well trained white folk being like this. good grief.

so what am i to do? keep staying here and if i run out of soap at 12am and i'm on my period and it leaked and i have no money till next pay day, not take a shower? what about the toilet paper when it runs out again and i don't notice it till i'm on the toilet and it seems she has deliberately not replaced it? or do i just move into a bad neighborhood, decent sized apt for more money than i was paying for the last apt, to also feel compelled to dish out money for an alarm system and afraid to have my kids come home after school when i'm still at work? Or do i return to the shelter system where, since i have a subsidy they only give me 10 days to find a new place to live otherwise they are possibly more than threatening to bounce me to another shelter with my school age kids. My options are limited. But options I do have. I'm not sure I want to be someplace where i'm not sure if i'm wanted or not; where not only do i wake up to roaches crawling on my face, but i wake up to a dead one sleeping next to me. if i believed that god was an entity other than myself i would ask for him to help me. In this instance I'm going to ask my higher self to help me. Help me find something else. I've gone from bad to worse. I've taken a step down, it could be a lot worse. But at this rate i'm going to worse at a steady pace.