So a bomb has fallen on me the other night. (The night after seeing a spider crawl on my screen in the middle of the night as I surfed the net. A spider I thought, what next a fuckin centipede! How about a goddamn scorpion to top it off!) I'd gone to meet the Realtor for the documents to bring to section 8 for that tiny apartment in crown heights. And to also see the apartment again so i could figure out what I would have to toss and keep when moving into my new place. This place is small as shit but I am so pleased to have it. The man keeps his place clean and I assume if I don't cross him we will be good money.
I waited for 2 hrs to see his ass and the Realtor came with her kids who drove her ass up the walls. So as I waited in the laundromat in the neighborhood I lived for approximately a year when I was in the group home (literally around the corner is this apartment) and finally after 2 hrs and 6-7 blocks from the train station the landlord showed up to show me the place. But not but 15 minutes earlier did the other agent contact me telling me he finally got in touch with the absent landlord for the apartment I really wanted. I spoke to owner, barely really, cause I couldn't understand half the fuckin words coming out her mouth. She is extremely soft spoken but thought I was such a great candidate and I came so well recommended that she didn't even need to see my proof of income to want to rent to me.
So now I am stuck with two apartments and I don't know which to take. The smaller one is a distance from the train but about $300-$400 less than the bigger, real sized apartment which is one block from the train and of course more room. My heart tells me to take the smaller one. But fate may have set me up already. I have all the paperwork for the small one ready to go in on Monday, the other one would have to be put off until Tuesday and that may not get in my in the apartment by November 1st. And more than ever I need to be in an apt now.
When I came in that night to ask my roommate for her opinion on which apartment to take, she didn't know what to tell me, all she said was I'm giving you until the end of the month to leave. Her reason, she needs her space. I said to her well what if I can't move in until the 12th of the month. Her response that's not her problem find another friend to live with.
So with that knowledge, is she really my friend? It's cold outside, I have 2 kids with me and I am making ever effort to find a place to live. I try to keep her abreast of everything concerning my search so she knows that I am not just laying on her couch trying to live for next to nothing for a long period of time and she says this to me?
The comment out it not being her problem is what has set me off to begin my search for a room later that night. I put nothing past people, not after the last chic I was with locked me out of her apartment when I didn't know she was going to work that night. But she did know I was right around the corner and told me that wasn't her problem (indicated) because I didn't come in at the imaginary hour that she wanted me to be in the house. As if I was a child and not her adult "friend" that she'd known for 15 years.
Can I consider this girl a friend because of what she is doing for me now? To me, and correct me if I'm wrong...What is it if you are inconvenienced just a little because you are trying to help a friend get off their feet? Why are people so fuckin selfish? I mean seriously what space is it that you are missing. The fact that you want to be able to scratch your puss in the living room as opposed to your bedroom? You want to be able to not see an extra water bottle in the fridge, or is it that you just don't want to hear the door opening at night after you're settled in? I mean is your health at risk for having this person here. Is your future at risk? What are you not gaining extra money per month? Or it's not about the money it's about your fuckin piece of mind.
I cannot imagine how much room she really needs that we are taking up, in the name of I need your help please don't throw me out. Are we not cleaning every week like she wants us to be, cause if she wants that, for one it should have been said at the gate and two she is expecting live-in maids from the wrong people cause we keep very busy schedules which she knew from the gate. I mean I don't mind helping,and maybe we're doing things, little things, that may irritate the shit out of her. But see these are the situations that ruin relationships. Because instead of expressing yourself because you know you have a friend in need and you really want to help them, you shut up and tell them to get out whether or not they have a place to go.
And see this is the misconception many people have of me, I'm a beautiful girl with tons of friends and lovers that can save me. Only if I had that kind of confidence to get that kind of love from the world. I am quite attractive I must admit, but the game of life I have no clue how to play. Every man I've ever loved has hurt me in one way or the next. Turn their backs on me. One's I've slept with too fast, one's I've taken too long to give sex, they all have done me in. Even James, my heart tells me that although he called me yesterday and our conversation was good he not only hasn't answered either of my two phone calls today he has not answered to my text msgs. I wanted him to be the one I can just be with for a minute, because I really need someone I can turn to from time to time. Even if it's just for a little adult companionship. You know, someone who isn't an asshole. Which he wasn't. Young with a bit of speech impediment and problem with keeping a clean room. But he was nice and I liked him and now it seems he's ignoring me. Kind of how his friend did me one day. Just stopped responding to my texts.
So I went to see a room today. I had to pay a $200 fee to the finder which I am sure is an illegal fee that he needed not charge me, and on top of it for that price he didn't even drive me to the fuckin location. I had to get on the train. It was a decent sized room in a huuuge apartment in Washington Heights. It had a fridge, own bathroom and full sized bed that would not fit me and the kids. One of us, me, would have to sleep on the floor. The rent, $200 per week with 3 wks upfront to move in.
The agent was able to talk the owner into me splitting up the payments. Paying $400 this week and $400 next week. Now this puts me in a bind. To my name I have $1350. Out of that I have to take $620 to put towards my down payment for the apartment fees. The kids need coats because it got cold real quick! I need a metro card, my son lost his life line, cell phone the other day so now he needs to get another and I have to pay to have a new cable box and wireless service added in my room because my son gets home schooled and needs to be able to get online. How will I do this? After the $620 I'm left with $480, after I give her $400, I'm left with $80, the kids needs coats and I need a metro card for the week. In order to drop the papers off next week I need to get to work late which means my boss is going to doc me. So I will have a little more than $300 that week, because I have yet to come into work consistently to get my raise and make $600 a week.
Not to mention I have no sheets or blankets. Can't get into my storage because there is a lock on door due to my past due balance. So what do I do. For a girl that I've known since high school that clearly does not care about how putting me out will put me through more hell can I consider her a friend? And let's not think about the shelter because their rules have changed. If I'm found ineligible, I'm in the streets with my kids. I have no where to go come the end of the month if I don't go into this room. I have no where to go if my apartment is not approved for me to move in on November 1st. Can I consider her a friend for real. Just for her to utter those words to me.
New York is filled with the most selfish people I have ever encountered in my life. Everyone is about themselves. No one is genuine. They may do you a favor here or there if you're lucky but forget about anyone truly trying to help you. No one is trying to go the extra mile to help a fellow human, a fellow human that they actually know. Not long term but short term so you don't fall apart. I am grateful for what she has done so far but this was my fear when leaving the shelter. It was a big decision I felt I had to make because my schedule is so radical. I thought I would have been gone by now, out of here, the fuckin jungle apartment, but it hasn't worked in my favor. A small part of me wants to kill myself but I know my insurance policy is not 2 years matured yet. A big part of me is optimistic but then an even bigger part is saying you are on your way down forever you will struggle and you should consider ending the race to anything better. My future seems to be set. Set for nothing positive it seems.
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