Well...I'm only broken hearted...

for the 10,000 time. So I am done with James. Incase I haven't mentioned him he is...was my new partner that I got with about 2 wks ago. He was the friend of a guy I saw briefly this summer. Knew him (the friend) for a while, many years and...dated him. James came along kind of strangely. Calling me when I never gave him my number, saying he stole the number out of his friend's phone. I thought it was a set up all along and never paid it much mind. But when the friend (out of the clear blue) decided he would no longer respond to my text msgs) James called. And about one day after my 2 wk suspension from any vaginal inserts since I had my abortion, and was in heat I might add...I put out a silent S.O.S. and James answered. Asking to see me when he came to Brooklyn. Normally I would reject him. But under the circumstances he was my prey.

And he came out to my surprise, because he lives quite a distance. Well not really but I noticed with him effort was never his forte. We went to a b'day party for my roommate and as I drank my beloved apple martini, we chatted his car and then my tongue went in his mouth. And I was stunned that this boy could kiss as good as he could. I mean sure he's 25 and SHOULD know what to do by now but damn, there was passion in his kisses and I knew that that night I would have to have him. Though my conscious told me I was being a boundarless whore who needed to control herself. I was never one to believe that I am whore for any of the less than commendable sexual acts that I engage in, but this one was an exception. This man has been chasing me for months. Though his efforts were limited, hey he came after me and I shot him down with no problems. Hey I mean I felt they were trying to test me anyway.

But this night I decided to have no regrets. If the other guy found out I could care less. Men do this sort of crap to women on a daily basis. Not that it's an excuse to sleep with a friend of a guy I was once seeing but shux who cares! So I did. After, turning down his requests to come home with him I finally gave in. And it was so passionate. He called my name, I bit his neck and kissed him and it felt like love, though it wasn't. He gave me everything his friend didn't and everything the last guy I was with for 8 months lacked. True chemistry and straight passion. And I had to have more. And he rejected me for one reason or another. And I cried because forget the circumstances, I ALWAYS meet men like this. I can only see them when they want to be seen or to see me. Too busy to take a trip even five minutes away from their location just so I could spend 5 wonderful minutes with them. And it hurt. And I spoke to him about it and he apologized and assured me he is interested and would work on his inconsideration towards me. And the next day after an active text msg about seeing him after I left work and before he went to bed so he could be well rested when he went to work, he all of a sudden stopped responding to my text msgs. Matter of fact the question that he ignored was the one asking if I could truly come over or not.

His excuse was not accepted and I'd already told him to never contact me again. I mean we just spoke of this not even 24hrs ago. I don't care if you're tired. How did u lie down 2 seconds after u sent me a msg asking me how I would get home? Either he had a girl or he just (as usual with me and men) wasn't that interested.

I noticed no matter what the circumstance I meet men the outcome is still the same. I am going to put a red string on my left wrist. Red to represent a bleeding heart, a broken heart and pain. A pain that I do not want to experience anymore. I am so passionate despite my whorish ways. So loyal, and to some so beautiful and yet I cannot find a man that I am mutually interested in to want me for five minutes. I could not tolerate James' behavior. It was a tell tale sign that he was going to be no different from all the others that weren't interested. So I dropped him. Tears in my eyes because he gave me something I wanted. My heart broken because I prayed that he would be the one for a while and because nothing has changed. And because I still haven't learned my lesson. And because I don't know what's wrong with me, or what the universe is trying to tell me. When married women, group whores, and other sleeze ball women can get a steady date and I can't.

I didn't want to admit to myself before, but I want love. I want to be loved and give love to someone other than my kids. To someone I can call my lover, get mad at, take advantage of time to time. Introduce to new things, think about when I'm shopping, and miss when I can't see him. I wanted James to be that. He doesn't know and nor does he deserve this knowledge but I wanted to love him. I've waited so long and my heart just keeps getting pounded on. I hope I'm not becoming a bitter woman. But I need that string to remind me that any man I find attractive on any level, is never the man for me.

On the bright side, well kind of, a guy I've known for sometime asked me to be his girlfriend over the phone yesterday. I met him on the set of a small stage production years ago. And hadn't seen him in years till earlier this year. We never spent time because he is busy, I am busy and I am not interested. But after telling him that I can't find a man to like me for five minutes he made an offer to be with me. I declined. I recall him not being so attractive and not having the best breath. But I thought, if I gave him the chance maybe he will be the one to hog tie me and pound me into submission. But I don't know about that, I'll be wearing my string.